Sunday, October 30, 2005

Watching drunk people is fun!

So a couple of friends visited, and we had a good late night watching drunk people in the dorms. We got back to the dorms at like midnight, and saw a variety of people, and it was also funny because a lot we went to high school with. One guy we met outside the dorms, and right when we saw him, he told us he probably wouldn't remember this in the morning. So we took him with to Taco Bell, where he asked the worker a good 5-10 if he could have a bigger cup for water (although he filled his cup with Lemonade). He was loud, though funny, and he did have a little trouble with the stairs.

The next guy we saw was another guy I met earlier this year in college. And he was so drunk he could hardly stand, and couldn't really walk. He stumbled down the hall to the bathroom, and it was very funny. Then, he got back to the room (and seeing him trying to stumble into his room was one of the funniest things I've seen), before he just passed out halfway in his room and halfway out. We dragged him back in, though he got up and out a couple minutes later. Then I heard him whisper to someone (help me to the bathroom), which was good comic relief. All in all, I realized that watching stupid drunk people can be very funny.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Bring Back the 80's Slang!

So I ran across (not literally, I literally clicked across it) a website with a list of 80's slang, and I really think there are some phrases in there that need to be brough back. For example...

Bodacious - An 80's guy's way to describe a woman who had a beautiful body. She is bodacious with gnarly ta-tas. See also gnarly & ta-tas for descriptions.

Eurotrash - Europeans who were rich that frequented the club scene in the early to mid 80's.

Gnarly - Very good. Not commonly used today. She is gnarly!

Homeboy - Used in the early 80's to describe someone who is a gang banger. Later used to describe a black male - which was okay for blacks to use this word. And even later was accepted to be used by all do describe a black guy.

O-rama - Suffix you affix to a word to describe the whole spectrum of the meaning. "He is a Dweeb-o-rama". Meaning, you are describing someone that is every sense of that word.

Rad/Radical - If something is rad, it's not only attractive, it's attractive immensely.

Tubular - Something that is cool. Something overwhelming. "Tubular, totally tubular."

If you have any other suggestions, just comment on them, and that would be like, totally rad!!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Thoughts by the Water Cooler...

Whenever you walk by a stock ticker, it should be law that you have to make some comment like, "Crap! Intel is down again!" or "Intel is up again? I knew I should have short-sold it!"... Why does everyone have to pee like a racehorse? Do racehorses have smaller bladders than thoroughbreds?... The beginning of "Carry on My Wayward Son" by Kansas is one of the best beginnings to any song that I know... Billy Joel was wrong when he said "Only the Good Die Young"... Call me crazy, but if we're talking about cool animals, I'll take the gorilla over any of them... E.L. Fudge is an underrated cookie... Mike Tice is the worst head coach in the NFL, and it's not even close (not even Mike Martz is nearly as bad)... If someone tells you, "See ya later alligator" and you do not respond with "In a while crocodile," you deserve a beating... RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!... I need to think of more constructive things to do with my time... Best joke of all time - "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar!"... Until next time, this is Art Vandelay.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

That Wasn't Funny

I hate to bring up a Seinfeld reference again, but remember the episode ("The Heart Attack") where Jerry wakes up in the middle of the night and frantically writes something that he thinks is really funny down, and it turns out to be "Flaming globes of Sigmond!" Well, something like that happened to me last night.

I was having some type of dream, I remember nothing about it except the end. I was in school or something like that, and I said something along the lines of: "If this movie were a person, it'd be 6'6''." I got huge laughs for this in my dream, and I remember thinking this was funny. So funny that at 6:30 I got my phone/alarm and put "movies-height" as a note to myself to remember this. I wake up, remember this note to myself, and it turns out not only is it not funny, it makes no sense whatsoever. Just very weird all around.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Seinfeld Season 1-3

Well I finished watching all of the Seinfeld episodes from seasons 1-3, and here are my favorites from it.

Best Analogy: "You don't understand. A garage... I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?" - George in The Parking Spot

Best Guest Appearance: Keith Hernandez in The Boyfriend - "GEORGE: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport."

Best Rant, Regular Cast Member: "I don't think you do. You see, you know how to TAKE the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them." - Jerry in The Alternate Side

Best Rant, Non-Regular Cast Member: "Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over." - Lt. Bookman in The Library

Best One Line, Regular Cast Member:""I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in." - Jerry in The Ex-Girlfriend

Best One Line, Non-Regular Cast Member: "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific... There's nothing funny about that." - Mr. Benes in The Jacket

Best part of Conversation: Kramer: Spector gave it to me. He's giving everything away... becoming a minimalist.
George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?
- The Tape

Best Episode: I'd probably have to go with The Library, with Honorable Mentions going to The Ex-Girlfriend and The Alternate Side.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Thoughts by the Water Cooler...

The question is not "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" so much as it is "How much wood could Chuck Woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck wood?" Those are the things I want to know...I hope I'm not the only one that misses Robert Stack... Saved by the Bell the New Class has to be one of the most miserable failures ever. What an awful show... I am single-handedly attempting to bring back the phrase "Big money big money no whammy no whammy!" I urge you to follow suit... Has there ever been any more ridiculous commericals ever than those Viagra or Levitra or whatever those ones were for? "New Haircut? Nope. New suit? Nope. I went to work, ate dinner, and I talked to my doctor." WHAT? If it's that obvious d00d, you got problems... For my money the original Law & Order is still the best... Not enough people know that Woodrow Wilson's real first name was Tommy... I have 5 tests this week that I should be studying for right now.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Teeth Brushing Rule

So I went to the bathroom tonight to brush my teeth and put my retainers in. Anyway, there was another guy in there as well. He started to brush his teeth about 5 seconds before me. And let me tell you, he was trying to wear his toothbrush out. He just kept brushing and brushing... my teeth started to hurt. But I couldn't stop before him, because that's just a signal that he has better teeth hygeine than I do. Which is why I propose this rule: when someone starts to brush their teeth before you do, you can NOT stop before them. I don't care if they're brushing for 3 hours, you're brushing for 3 hours and 5 seconds.

As David Robinson would say, "Anything less would be uncivilized."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Thoughts while doing laundry...

Why did Adam Sandler try to become a "serious" actor? What a failure that was... Grilled cheese is really underrated... We're supposed to get snow tomorrow. It's early October. That sucks... I think the term "Pax Romana" should be used more in everyday speech... There are too few references to the Lucitania... Did anyone else confuse the guy that directed X-Files (Chris Carter) with the Vikings WR (Cris Carter)?... I've got college football fever, and I'm not going to see a doctor... Do you think Robert "Tractor" Traylor ever actually rode a tractor? Me neither... When it comes down to it, Boron is the coolest name for an element... The terms 'chum' and 'fellow' are severly underused in today's society... Cherry pie is without a doubt the best pie. Nothing else compares... I wish more people were named Boris... The Twins OF nickname "Soul Patrol" is really freaking cool... Whether it was good enough for Bobby McGee or not, freedom is not another word for "nothing left to lose"... I bet if he really had to, George Washington would tell a lie... Over/Under on people that read this without getting bored is set at 0.5.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Guy Code

So something I was discussing earlier (here's looking at you, OTBL) made me think of the Guy Code, and different parts to it. Well, I'm bored, and I have free time, so I thought I'd look up some stuff for it, and put it here for your enjoyment.

The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin'.

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.

Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.

A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

For an even more in depth of the bathroom etiquette, go here.

*deep breath*